Knitting Crochet, and life in the "Post Dad" Era...
There has been a very good reason why there hasn't been much posted since last time. Which can be summed up in one brief statement of fact- Dad died.
For years his health had been slowly deteriorating. To the extent of my having to carry Dad across the living room the last day he was home. (Before years of drinking, old age,and an entire littany of other health problems hit, Dad was vibrantly in love with nature and life itself. Fond of his gardening,and his other pursuits. He wasn't a tiny man...stood five-ten and weighed in at around 180 lbs. But,the years and drinking took it's toll in an excrutiatingly slow manner..which was hell to watch...and,without a power of attorney my hands were tied! Anyway, at the last, he wasn't much taller than I am, and, weighed in at just over 90 lbs..and too weak to stand,walk, let alone sign his name!)
On September 27 with the help of neighbors I was able to get Dad to the VA..with a few nightmarish twist and turns along the way with a ventilator thrown in. We, the Love's had hoped that he'd rally for one last good battle! He gave it his best shot, but,just couldn't pull it off! After nearly a week in Hospice care he passed peacefully and quietly in his sleep. I honestly don't know if I could've taken it seeing him prior to the mortuary preparing him for burial. (I think that's why Uncle Allen didn't want to take me up there that Saturday night Daddy went to be with Momma...)
Jesus,freakin' Christ!!! I always said that I would go basket case...but, Damn it to hell, I KNEW Dad wouldn't have wanted me to lose it...well, at least not till I got at least MOST of the business dealt with! He hated crying and tears in general...So..I did what he always called "Brave Soldiering it"...Tell you this, I was so damned numb inside,but,thankful for it -and,feel guilty for it! But, I also had firmly remembered Dad warning me several times NOT to let Uncle Allen muscle in...so,hey, I listened.
Have I ever mentioned that I REALLY wanted to kick my Stepmother's butt to hell and back?
First off that ring tailed bitch had her rapist murderous son in MY spot next to Dad at the grave yard..Hell, she CHEERED on that bastard when he had his greasy nasty hands around Dad's neck,slowly squeezing the life out of Dad...(Damn well didn't help matters that that damned paid whore of his cheered her little darling on, WANTING my Dad dead in cold blood!- Then the fact that that inbred white trash son of a bitch tried to kill me, THEN had the balls to rape me?! I damn well wasn't having MY Dad buried next to that inbred,poor white cracker trash filth!- If I didn't already hate that cunt,THIS would've been enough to drive me to it!- Too bad I'm NOT a male,else, I'd have just pulled it out and pissed on Mike's grave!)
But, I held it together...I KNEW it had to be done with class and dignity,so, I did my best NOT to make a scene and raise hell...while it wouldn't have done any good, I would've felt better..but, on the other hand I would've shamed my family- which I wasn't going to have any of! Cut and dried! (If I had been at my nastiest, I would've taken utter delight in depriving that bitch of going to Dad's funeral...but, I wasn't...well,maybe I was,subconsciously...but, am stubborn enough to keep my big mouth shut,thank you!)
Looking back three weeks, I realize that in a lot of ways emotionally and psychologically,I was in a deep freezer that was colder than Siberia AND the North Pole combined! Maybe I still am? Have no clue...I just know that about all I can deal with is taking it all as it comes.
But,in terms of the funeral...I astonished myself with how well it all went..hell...I was so numb, that I didn't realize until after the fact, that I had managed to color coordinate the funeral,for God's sake- How proper or appropriate is that?!
It was a military funeral,due to Dad being a WW2 vet...so, I went with red,white, and blue...with silver accents. Dad didn't have anything in his closet that fit him. So, I bought him
a nice pair of khaki's and a pretty blue plaid shirt for the Mortuary to dress him in.
I was aghast with knowing that my stepmother had talked Dad into picking a hideous,green casket just so SHE could get the pretty blue one! Ugh! Can't tell you how glad I was to put a stop to that petty stupidity! But, I had no way of knowing that what Dad had paid for was discontinued! So, I chose the best I could out of the options I had to choose from. So, I went with the Phoenix vault...Mid grade steel...painted blue and silver. (I really didn't have much of a choice for the personalization- went with the US Army logo for that.) The casket I chose was Antique Blue with Eagles, Silver Trim that said "Going Home" inside...
For the funeral stationary, I went with the "Peaceful Retreat" set..(With a Thomas Kinkade painting theme.) For the customary poetry in the program, I went with the following-
I am not there
Do not stand at my grave and weep, I am not there, I do not sleep
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of birds in circling flight.
I am the star shine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room,
I am the birds that sing.
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there, I did not die.
I still have Dad's flag. It's put away,complete with some of the bullet casings from his twenty one gun salute. I even have the cassette of the funeral,but, wish I didn't have it. I've been through it once, and it was hellish enough. I don't need to hear it repeatedly, it hurt enough to be there as it was happening! (I really don't see the point in re-living it day after day- like Jewel did when Mike died. It drove Dad and I nearly to the loony bin that winter! But, each person mourns in a different way.) I'll take the cassette of the funeral to Jewel at the care home...but, I'll make sure that I warn them of what she may do- play it repeatedly,over and over. But, if she wing nuts,I'll make sure that Uncle Allen gets it! I just want rid of that damned cassette! That can't happen soon enough for my preference and liking!
Okay, now that it's taken me three weeks to even start venting..I'll get to the knitting.
I never did get to finish the blanket I was knitting for Dad. He saw it,liked it, and wanted it....but, that's besides the point,now...but, the point is Knitting plays a huge part for the quiet,introspective part of the mourning process. (I've always been one that needs 'keep busy busy work in one way or another.)
So, I'll close with this- I Love You,Daddy...and,I majorly miss you!
I'm just hoping that where ever you are, that you're with Momma...I also hope that you've already told her that I love and miss her too! Just like I do with Momma, I'll do my best to keep your memory alive, just like with hers. I also hope that you're okay,and,not suffering anymore!
In loving memory of Jack Lee Love
born June 20,1925, died October 20,2007....
I love you,Daddy....
Nita
For years his health had been slowly deteriorating. To the extent of my having to carry Dad across the living room the last day he was home. (Before years of drinking, old age,and an entire littany of other health problems hit, Dad was vibrantly in love with nature and life itself. Fond of his gardening,and his other pursuits. He wasn't a tiny man...stood five-ten and weighed in at around 180 lbs. But,the years and drinking took it's toll in an excrutiatingly slow manner..which was hell to watch...and,without a power of attorney my hands were tied! Anyway, at the last, he wasn't much taller than I am, and, weighed in at just over 90 lbs..and too weak to stand,walk, let alone sign his name!)
On September 27 with the help of neighbors I was able to get Dad to the VA..with a few nightmarish twist and turns along the way with a ventilator thrown in. We, the Love's had hoped that he'd rally for one last good battle! He gave it his best shot, but,just couldn't pull it off! After nearly a week in Hospice care he passed peacefully and quietly in his sleep. I honestly don't know if I could've taken it seeing him prior to the mortuary preparing him for burial. (I think that's why Uncle Allen didn't want to take me up there that Saturday night Daddy went to be with Momma...)
Jesus,freakin' Christ!!! I always said that I would go basket case...but, Damn it to hell, I KNEW Dad wouldn't have wanted me to lose it...well, at least not till I got at least MOST of the business dealt with! He hated crying and tears in general...So..I did what he always called "Brave Soldiering it"...Tell you this, I was so damned numb inside,but,thankful for it -and,feel guilty for it! But, I also had firmly remembered Dad warning me several times NOT to let Uncle Allen muscle in...so,hey, I listened.
Have I ever mentioned that I REALLY wanted to kick my Stepmother's butt to hell and back?
First off that ring tailed bitch had her rapist murderous son in MY spot next to Dad at the grave yard..Hell, she CHEERED on that bastard when he had his greasy nasty hands around Dad's neck,slowly squeezing the life out of Dad...(Damn well didn't help matters that that damned paid whore of his cheered her little darling on, WANTING my Dad dead in cold blood!- Then the fact that that inbred white trash son of a bitch tried to kill me, THEN had the balls to rape me?! I damn well wasn't having MY Dad buried next to that inbred,poor white cracker trash filth!- If I didn't already hate that cunt,THIS would've been enough to drive me to it!- Too bad I'm NOT a male,else, I'd have just pulled it out and pissed on Mike's grave!)
But, I held it together...I KNEW it had to be done with class and dignity,so, I did my best NOT to make a scene and raise hell...while it wouldn't have done any good, I would've felt better..but, on the other hand I would've shamed my family- which I wasn't going to have any of! Cut and dried! (If I had been at my nastiest, I would've taken utter delight in depriving that bitch of going to Dad's funeral...but, I wasn't...well,maybe I was,subconsciously...but, am stubborn enough to keep my big mouth shut,thank you!)
Looking back three weeks, I realize that in a lot of ways emotionally and psychologically,I was in a deep freezer that was colder than Siberia AND the North Pole combined! Maybe I still am? Have no clue...I just know that about all I can deal with is taking it all as it comes.
But,in terms of the funeral...I astonished myself with how well it all went..hell...I was so numb, that I didn't realize until after the fact, that I had managed to color coordinate the funeral,for God's sake- How proper or appropriate is that?!
It was a military funeral,due to Dad being a WW2 vet...so, I went with red,white, and blue...with silver accents. Dad didn't have anything in his closet that fit him. So, I bought him
a nice pair of khaki's and a pretty blue plaid shirt for the Mortuary to dress him in.
I was aghast with knowing that my stepmother had talked Dad into picking a hideous,green casket just so SHE could get the pretty blue one! Ugh! Can't tell you how glad I was to put a stop to that petty stupidity! But, I had no way of knowing that what Dad had paid for was discontinued! So, I chose the best I could out of the options I had to choose from. So, I went with the Phoenix vault...Mid grade steel...painted blue and silver. (I really didn't have much of a choice for the personalization- went with the US Army logo for that.) The casket I chose was Antique Blue with Eagles, Silver Trim that said "Going Home" inside...
For the funeral stationary, I went with the "Peaceful Retreat" set..(With a Thomas Kinkade painting theme.) For the customary poetry in the program, I went with the following-
I am not there
Do not stand at my grave and weep, I am not there, I do not sleep
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of birds in circling flight.
I am the star shine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room,
I am the birds that sing.
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there, I did not die.
I still have Dad's flag. It's put away,complete with some of the bullet casings from his twenty one gun salute. I even have the cassette of the funeral,but, wish I didn't have it. I've been through it once, and it was hellish enough. I don't need to hear it repeatedly, it hurt enough to be there as it was happening! (I really don't see the point in re-living it day after day- like Jewel did when Mike died. It drove Dad and I nearly to the loony bin that winter! But, each person mourns in a different way.) I'll take the cassette of the funeral to Jewel at the care home...but, I'll make sure that I warn them of what she may do- play it repeatedly,over and over. But, if she wing nuts,I'll make sure that Uncle Allen gets it! I just want rid of that damned cassette! That can't happen soon enough for my preference and liking!
Okay, now that it's taken me three weeks to even start venting..I'll get to the knitting.
I never did get to finish the blanket I was knitting for Dad. He saw it,liked it, and wanted it....but, that's besides the point,now...but, the point is Knitting plays a huge part for the quiet,introspective part of the mourning process. (I've always been one that needs 'keep busy busy work in one way or another.)
So, I'll close with this- I Love You,Daddy...and,I majorly miss you!
I'm just hoping that where ever you are, that you're with Momma...I also hope that you've already told her that I love and miss her too! Just like I do with Momma, I'll do my best to keep your memory alive, just like with hers. I also hope that you're okay,and,not suffering anymore!
In loving memory of Jack Lee Love
born June 20,1925, died October 20,2007....
I love you,Daddy....
Nita
posted by Genita at
2:48 PM
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